wow.....10 years ago i would have told you to get lost if you told me those words would come out of my mouth.
ever since i was a little girl i thought i must have been so awful that God hated me...or that i was so so bad in a previous life that God's punishment was being carried over in to this life....and so in return i told God to take a hike.
about 10 years ago i stood in a daze in my living room, home alone, thinking there had to be more to life than this....the struggle, the hubby getting up to go to work to a job he did not like, being stuck in traffic, working with jerks, only to come home and deal with the bills and then go to bed and get up and start all over again the next day. i have been struggling with a few medical problems for years. the kids and their varying degrees of learning disabilities, bullies at school.
i thought...what if we are nothing more than the equivalent of ants in an ant farm on some cruel kids shelf and every time we have our tunnels in order he picks up the plastic container holding us and shakes the ever living crap out of us just to mess with us.
i thought about 'religious people' and how i wish i could go there....i have had my dealings with the judgemental drones though and i had no desire to be like one of them. besides how do you choose a religion.....there are so many, all with different sets of rules and regulations but they are all using the same book! so explain that one....which one is right? no way did i want to be 'religious'.
a few weeks later at 'the wal-mart' a family was walking down the isle coming toward us. i knew they were 'religious' by their dress. the girls with their long hair and dresses. the woman and i locked eyes and i saw the most beautiful peace in her eyes....no worry, fear, anger, anxiety....just love and peace.....i told myself i wanted THAT.
not too very long after that i was on another artist's blog and she referenced a quote from Mike Dooley's web site TUT. i followed her link and signed up.....not too very long after that one of the emails mentioned something about 'the Secret'. as soon as we could afford it i bought the dvd and was in awe. not too very long after that one day it just seemed to really hit me....i should be giving thanks to 'the universe'? the universe was not doing this stuff....God is. not too very long after that i figured i would give God a try....i came across Joel Osteen. he is soft, and gentle, loving, and kind. i had not really ever had any dealings with a man like that.
to keep this post short....er, shorter i will make a long story short. i began watching Joyce Meyer, a woman i did not initially like...because of a newspapers story, but one day i happened across her program and fell in love with her say it like it is attitude...she was the opposite of Joel in many ways, but you could tell she cared. later i added a few other t.v. ministers to my schooling, a couple even local here.
you may not care for Joel or Joyce....but that should not matter. they are the teachers that came when I needed them....you may have different views, beliefs, and teachers, and that is ok. i think that how ever you come to know God has to be your own path, with its own teachers, AND respect that everyone may have a different path to becoming spiritual.
so here i am today. my hubby lost his job of 33 years almost a year ago. he was set up to be fired....long story. we have no insurance. the hubby is working for a company that works him like a dog. i have never seen my husband come home so exhausted and not able to stand up straight. this is a temp job. he is getting paid less than 1/3 of what is salary was with his old company. once my daughter got her part time job they cut us off food stamps and insurance.
my husband called the electric company today to make payment arrangements for a very over due bill....the woman told my husband tough luck. my husband called me from his temp job, and in all the years i have known him, 26 years, i have only seen him cry a handful of times. his voice was quivering and by the end of the conversation he was in tears. normally i call the electric company, and he calls most of the other businesses. due to my hearing impairment communicating over the phone can be difficult. he said they would be cutting off the electric today unless we could pay the bill, which we could not. i told him to give me a half hour. while i dialed the number and while the phone rang and i sat on hold i prayed for God to give us favor. by the end of the call they accepted the payment arrangement my husband had originally asked for.....thank you Jesus.
problem number two of the day. i am on a medication that controls my heart rate. mysteriously 12, 13 years ago i began having all kinds of heart rhythm and rate issues. they could not find a reason for it and told me it was just something i had to live with, that it just happens to women my age and they don't know why.
i have an appointment with a clinic in the middle of may. i have enough meds for this week. when i called i asked the women if she knew of any place i could go to get a refill to get me through to the appointment....she is an older lady, and easily annoyed i think...she jumped me verbally, once i apologized (for what i do not know, i just felt she felt she needed it) she became pleasant and we ended the call. now i can go to an urgent care center, but, we do not have the money they require for the appointment. the clinic is only open on mondays and wednesdays for just a few short hours. i called this morning and as i dialed and sat through the recording i asked God for his favor that there would be a cancellation on wednesday that i could get in. a bit later old lady crankypants called me, i explained the situation and asked if maybe she had any cancellations for wednesday.....guess what......yup they sure did. someone had just called before me and cancelled! thank you Jesus! the woman almost sounded mad that she was able to help me.
i know this is long....bear with me. i know i am more of a picture book girl....i don't like reading essays and such, so i really try not to write them.
so this morning as my hubby was getting ready for this temp job one of my 'religious' tv preachers came on. it really got under my hubby's skin. the man had a very expensive suit on. by the time he got in the car with my daughter....we only have 1 vehicle at this time and my daughter drives the hubby to work and then he has to sit at a mcdonalds for nearly 3 hours after he gets off work for her to pick him up, so any way he gets in the car in a really angry mood cussing about this preacher and his 2,500 dollar suit....mad at the world. you see when he and i first met we had the same feelings for God....years ago, and then last year when he lost his job...i explained to him that our way was not working for us....maybe he could just give God another chance. i always was a nervous nelly that did not handle all we have been through in the last few years well, but by having faith and learning about God i have done pretty good. i have had my down days and bad moments, i am only human....but i have learned so much. i would rather be at peace during the storm and let the storm carry me where it wants to (and by that i do not mean just sitting on my butt doing nothing either) than exhausted from trying to fight it.
i hope when i tell the hubby that i will now be able to get my meds refilled and we will have some money for groceries, that maybe he will see that if we have faith that God will come through for us.
he and i, the kids, we have big dreams for our future. i know that our ways may not be God's ways, but i do know that he put these dreams in our hearts and we will see those dreams come to pass. i am holding out in faith that it will be soon, we all are getting worn out by all we have been through.
i do not know why i felt so strongly about posting this....i never want to be that shove Jesus down your throat kinda girl, i want to be a show, not tell girl. i want to be like that woman at 'the walmart'. someday i want someone to see the peace and love in my eyes and find their way home like i did, so i hope that this can at least reach 1 person who needs it.
i am going to go tell God thank you again....and then make some art.
have a beautiful day. mwah!