Monday, September 21, 2015

skipping part two....

6 months ago i promised to be back with a part 2.  january was a really icky bad month for us....i planned to share it all, not just for you, but i know that every bit of myself i put out here, someday, my grandkids, and their grandkids will be able to find.   our future generations have an advantage we don't have, a way to find out about our ancestory that time does not cause to fade away or disintegrate.  i really wanted to pass down this part of our story.

 someday i will post about january 2015.  

it has really been a tug-o-war for me to get back to blogging, and now that i decided to put part two on hold i am excited to get back here.  

i will share this much from january.....we have a new koolaide pitcher.    don't worry, it was never used for its intended purpose, but that is the weirdness that is our family.   come to our home and ask for a drink....this is what you will see.   as an added bonus.....this will be the photo that will pop up on facebook with the link to my blog....that makes this all the more fun.....for me. we are.....where do i start.   i have tons of past art i want to share....lots of new stuff i am working on.  and a ton of photos to sort through, and i kinda forgot about that.

i was in such a rush to get back here once i gave myself permission to skip the part 2 blog post i did not think this through.

so here we go.....

i have been working on me.  fixing me.  mentally and  repairing the literal broken parts of me from the accident and the surgeries in january.   trying to figure out, since my life took such a huge detour from where i thought i was heading, what my purpose is.   why am i even here.   let me tell you, i have gone down some pretty deep, dark holes thinking about the ,why do i even exist part,....not good.

i thought i was suppose to be an artist, a maker, a creator.   feels like that rug got yanked out from under me, for several reasons.   i have a studio, downstairs, that up until a couple of weeks ago had not been touched in almost 16 months.   i start cleaning it up a couple of weeks ago.  i have been debating on working down there again, which i love, or just packing the stuff up and selling the supplies tools and equipment.   the hubby and kids talked me in to getting back to work down there.  

i have found myself stuck in the finances of it husband,  someone who is what i would not call a deep, philosophical kind of guy, said to me...'go, create, make.  it is what makes you happy...the rest will take care of itself.'   with in a day or so i found this video.....

it says the same thing. hubby is becoming quite the wise one in his older years!

those of you who are facebook friends with me know i have started really pushing myself to get back in to shape again.   to regain lost muscle.   i was averaging 1,700 steps a day a couple of months ago.   i have managed to push, and i admit too hard, too fast, but i have now walked as much as 18,000 plus steps in a day.   i am now averaging 13,000 - 15,000 for the most part.   this has been a very painful process since i have permanent nerve damage in my knees and fibromyalgia, and still having back and rib muscle spasms from the car accident.   i still deal with the positional vertigo and vertigo from menieres disease.   i also broke 2 of my wee little piggies a month...or two ago, and those little boogers have not healed yet completely, and last night i ran in to the same chair with the same toes and messed them up again!

 so....back on track.   i walk, in my house, for an hour, first thing every morning.  (i walk in my house because i get the spins from the positional vertigo and menieres, going out by myself can be dangerous, and like the family dog i sat and waited patiently to be walked and everyone is busy or tired, so one day during a stressful situation i found myself pacing while waiting for phone calls and found i racked up quite a bit of steps)   i also spend that first hour, while walking, spending time with God...talking and praying...then spacing off and thinking about my to do list for the day, then back to jabbering with God.   the other day i asked, for the umpteenth time, for God to please point me in the direction, give me a hint, a clue, of what direction i should be going....what should i be focusing on.  .........and cue the crickets....i am clueless.   i hear nothing.   nothing.  

what the hell am i even here for?   why do i exist.   there is a lot of history to that question for me that i will have to explain later.  

a couple of nights ago i had a dream...i could not remember it at first and it was driving me nuts.   with every pass of the finch cage on my morning walk i found myself looking at the nest that had 2 eggs in it, that the parents decided they would rather eat, instead of nurture. then i remembered the dream....i think i got a partial answer to my question i keep nagging God with.  

in my dream i brought home a fish tank, like a large hermit crab plastic tank, filled with fish.  i remember in particular a large bright orange fish was one of several in this tank.   i sat that tank on top of a huge, huge tank that at that moment was dark and i did not know was filled with water and fish.   i plugged the bubbler in to supply oxygen to the fish in the smaller tank i had just brought home, and walked away.   later i came back to check on the fish and they were barely alive, all at the bottom, lying on their sides.  i realized they were not getting enough oxygen...they needed life breathed back in to them.   i reached behind the huge tank to grab the air pump so i could use it for the smaller tank.  when i reached behind the huge tank i accidentally flipped the light switch on for the huge tank.   when the lights came on i saw that there was still water in the tank.  the first thing i saw was the skeleton of a large dead fish, and my first thought was 'i need to save those bones for my art'.   then i saw a snail, the size of my head slowly moving up the tank.   the snail had continued to grow and had become enormous, even though i thought it had died a long time ago.   then i saw several baby eels, or water snakes...then the momma.  the tank was not only filled with life, when i thought all in it was dead, but it had multiplied, and everything had grown and become huge.  
there were baby fish, a blue one and a yellow one, swimming and full of life while still in their clear egg sacks.

i was excited when i remembered the dream, i felt it was prophesying something positive.   so i walked round and round the house and dissected the dream over and over.   by the time my hour was up i felt that i was being told that i had given up a big dream, bigger than i even imagined it could have been, and while working to keep a smaller dream alive, eventually it brought that bigger dream back to life, and, again, bigger than i had originally dreamed it to be.    i am still a bit clueless....not sure what huge dream i gave up, because the smaller dream i feel like i am having to fight to keep alive is the only dream i can really remember having.....time will tell.

this dream, the video, the wise words of a simple man all have told me to carry on and it will all take care of itself and work itself out.  

i have been feeling the pull for months to get back to my studio, but most importantly, at this moment to get back to blogging.   the gut, for me, is always right.

excited to be back here, and can't wait to post photos of my latest projects.