so yesterday afternoon the beast and i fought. a year ago, 2 years ago i would have given up and crawled in my bed, or been forced there by the hubby who worries. i pushed myself and went down to my studio and made art. some days when the beast is acting up my body and brain do not communicate with each other. my throat tries to swallow backwards, and i choke....my hands forget to hold things and that means carrying a glass-glass is a no-no and this big girl is forced to use a plastic drink bottle....which sometimes feels like a grown up girl sippee cup. my feet and legs forget how to walk on stairs.
so i made it down to my studio and began putting feathers and vintage text between layers of glass that i had to first wipe down and then tape to prepare to solder. i have had to learn to laugh, and alot, to keep sane with this disease. it was almost cartoon like yesterday. things would begin to fall from my grip and i would try to catch it and just as i had it back in my hands it fell again and i grabbed again.
the best way to describe how this feels is for you to imagine being on a ride that spins while standing and the floor suddenly tilts or drops out from under you....now while all of this is going on try to walk, talk, swallow, make art....using an x-acto knife and scissors and glass and all things pokey and proddy..... that is what i live with in varying degrees every day.
last year while looking for.....ugh i don't know what on the meniere's support group fb page i came across a post that a doctor recommended that you do the hard things, not avoid them and it will help you COPE better over time. i was angry at first...is this doctor nuts?! i would like to see him try. the next day though i realized i had been letting this beast win. there are days when i will never be able to even think of getting out of bed no matter how hard i try....but there are plenty of days in between that i can. i want my life back and i began taking charge again.
cooking and doing the dishes are still torture as the movement can be nauseating and make the spins flare up....but a little over a year ago i began doing them again...most days. it sucks but i CAN do it.
last year i did not walk but just a few times on the really good days. i miss walking, and steph and i started walking again last week...... i was having some really good days so the walking was pretty easy. we have started off slow, for my sake, just doing 1.2 miles a night. just a bit over the average 2,000 steps taken in a mile. i am hoping in the next couple of months to be up to the 10,000 daily steps that are recommended.
those with meniere's or vertigo and balance issues also have problems navigating in the dark. with landmarks less visible it feels like floating in outer space and standing on the very edge of the grand canyon with gravity pushing you over the edge all at the same time. you have no point of reference to know which end is up when your brain is telling you differently. last night i really wanted to walk and kept thinking there is just no way. steph asked if i wanted to try and i told her i did not know if i would be able to make it both trips around the block but i wanted to give it a shot. a part of me was convinced if i just got out there and walked the vertigo and imbalance would just go away. for so many years i was told this was in my head, or anxiety even though i was originally diagnosed when i was 19. sometimes, especially on the less challenging days i do try really hard to convince myself that it is all in my head and some days i am just plain in denial that this is really happening to me.
i probably walked more like 4,000 steps than 2,000 from the stumbling, it was awful and awesome at the same time. i constantly had to stop and get my bearings back and start up again. i constantly felt like i was falling and only knew when i was when steph would grab on to me. steph said i looked like a baby just learning to walk....i saw my shadow at one point and joked i looked like frankenstein walking for the first time! the first time around the block was scary, the second a challenge...and like i said before it was awful and awesome at the same time. my daughter kept cheering me on telling me how proud she was of me....and that helped....a lot. it was the longest 1.2 miles i had ever walked and when we got home i was beyond exhausted.
this evening i was a bit less spinny and off balance but, i had started to talk myself out of that walk. it was hard and i had forgotten to have the hubby adjust my second crutch. i usually only use one, but decided on the extra challenging days we walk that using both might help....i could come up with a list of excuses but i put my walking shoes on and we did it again tonight. the first lap was hard and the second had me spinning and out of balance just as much as i was the night before. but i did it!
I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!
and if i did it...then you can too.
so now that i have written a book...let there be arty show and tell!
i used some of this...which i love....
on the back of a mirror. i am wanting to age the mirror. this mirror is not like the other cheapies i have done this to...the paint backing is not wanting to come off very easy and makes me wonder if this is even going to work. as of 12:48 a.m. the stripper is still working on eating the paint off. i am going to sleep with fingers crossed that this works.
i finished taping these. i love how they look like they are in a science-y display case. i thought about just doing plain and simple solder, but in my head it gave these bits and pieces a more modern look and i wanted vintage-y because this girl likes vintage-y everything.
i debated between using my newly discovered textured technique and my sorta newly discovered bolted look and decided to go for the newer textured technique.
half way through i had some regrets...then i soldered a bit more and liked it....then i had regrets. you know those days when you put on an outfit and hate it and put on another and feel gross and put on another...and another. good old pms....perimenopausally enhanced that is! sheesh!
i soldered until 9:00pm and the time flew by. i was not going to quit until the soldering was all done. i had no idea how much time had gone by. looking at this has me so ready to start working on the ancestors piece i sketched and stuff gathered for ummmm....3 years ago maybe. i am going to need the solder and flux fairy to visit me first since i am almost out of them both.
i am kinda thinking i have too many pieces for the length i was originally planning on, but we will find out tomorrow when i put it all together.
i did get one piece patina-ed. i loves it patina-ed. i loves it bunches!
normally there is no food or drink allowed in the studio since i work with a lot of icky chemicals. there is usually something on my hands. i did make an exception for this though. my youngest is a culinary genious. he is considering making this his profession. we love iced coffee, with the exception of the hubs, and they are expensive. i had all the makings for it in the pantry and max just made up his own recipe and with the exception of a tad bit too much sugar the first time, we decided, he nailed it!
it makes me think back to a brief conversation i had with my dad years ago. for a long time i wanted to be able to open up a shop in one of our historical main street buildings. my dad thought it would be neat to have a small diner/cafe. he said he could be the cook and we girls could make and sell our art in the same shop. it makes me sad that we could not ever see that dream come true. how neat it would have been to have max and my daddy both being culinary genius's together...especially since max reminds me so much of my dad.
i have babbled my brains out and still have a million things i could say but i think this arty girl is going to throw the hubs jeans in the dryer and try to get some sleep so i can finish up that necklace and start something new.
hope you had a beautiful day....much love to you! mwah!