It is all about Gratitude and Perspective while standing in a pile of Manure surrounded by fans......

the first of november i brought a decorative jar to the kitchen table and planned to have our family write things they were grateful for on a piece of paper and put it in the jar.   that never happened.   life happened and i felt as though i did not have a thing to write down and place in the jar that day.  we seem to be in survival mode every day, and that does not allow a lot of room to think of much else.

 after that the jar was pushed aside.   yesterday i looked at it and thought that i needed to put it back downstairs....maybe next year.   

not only are things still hard here for our family, but my sister and her family are walking through their own hell and yesterday just as my sister had picked her self up from the latest bit of life and dusted her self off,  the rug was yanked from under her yet again.   i sat up last night feeling all the ick i knew she was feeling.   i know these feelings.   i have felt them and the wounds have not yet started to heal.   i wish i could do more for her, i wish i could say hey look, see it will get better....but we are not at that point in our journey as of today.

every day i give thanks from the moment i step out of bed. it has become habit.   some days though the gratitude seems empty and i feel like i am going through the motions.    

eight or ten years ago i began a shift.   i decided to take notice of those things in me i wanted to change.   it has been quite a journey.   it seems i have taken the scenic route and detours, but i can say that i can look back and see progress and change for the better.   

this morning as i was doing laundry i thought to myself how it never seems to end.   the clothes in the laundry basket multiply like bunnies.   but i caught myself giving thanks.   i am so grateful that i have laundry, tons of it....because that means there are people i love that live in our home that dirty the laundry, use the towels, wear the endless pairs of socks.  i am so very grateful that i have a working washer and dryer.   i have spent many months at the laundry mat, and just last week the belt and pully broke on our dryer.   i am so thankful my hubby knew how to fix it.    that stack of dirty dishes in the sink means we had food to eat.  if you know me, you know food has been a luxury the last few years for our family.   i realized i had given thanks without having to think about it.    i began thinking of the long list of things we don't have, as well as what we do have.  for everything i thought of we did not have, i made myself think of what we do have...it might not be what we want, but we have.  

our carpet needs to be ripped out and replaced, it is awful....i want hard wood floors, but i don't have to vacuum the ugly, nasty carpet, i get to.  perspective.   

on the days the menieres beast is kicking my butt and i struggle with cooking, cleaning, arting....i give thanks that i am GETTING to do those things.    again, perspective. 

as i was taking photos of some mind numbing, yet soothing zentangling i had done yesterday i was amazed how the image changed as i turned my drawing pad.   it was all perspective.   i turn the drawing pad one way there seems to be valleys, turn it another way and you see the hills, or mountains.   

at this angle i see a down hill walk through valleys.......

at this angle i see an uphill struggle with lots of hills and mountains.

today i used the same technique as last night while zentangling, but today i wanted to try to manipulate the lines in to certain patterns or shapes.   i found that as i added more and more lines i was not able to force the lines to go where i wanted them to....they followed the path of the line before it.   each line i added was an echo of the previous line.  it began to drive me nuts,  i could not force the pattern.   if i wanted to make a big change in direction i had to pick the pen up and start a new series of lines.   all of the sudden all of the self help gurus, pastors, preachers and teachers.....what they had been saying made sense in such a visual way.   there are times in life we need to stop fighting the direction we want to go in, stop trying to swim upstream against the current,  and let go, let God take care of it, and at the same time we have to quit making some of  the same choices we have in the past that have not been beneficial to us.  we need to pick up the pen and turn in another direction.   

monday my daughter informed me she needed to make 60 mini pie crusts for the littles at the elementary school she works at.   even though she has watched me make pie crust since she was a little her self, she asked about the ingredients and if it would be hard.    yesterday she went and bought the supplies and we, i, began making the pie crusts. 

 i had to give up what i had planned to do yesterday to help her with this.   while i was working on this i had been silently giving thanks.  i was thankful she wanted my help, that she enjoyed working with me on this, that she was alive and well.  we almost lost her last january when she became septic after an out patient procedure in the e.r. .  at one point in the evening she apologized to me and i asked her for what?   she felt bad i was doing this for her.   i told her i loved being able to do this....someday soon she will be on her own, living her own life and i will miss this.   she told me she would be mad if she had to give up her evening to do something like this.    it is all about perspective...and gratitude.    

there are days when i feel like i am standing in a pile a manure surrounded by fans....and it is hitting those fans fast and hard and i really am up to here with gratitude and perspective and i feel like i am losing faith because that other better door has not yet opened...life feels kind of sucky and hard.   i go find my quiet, dark place and cry and then pick myself up and dust myself off and know that things are getting better and someday, when i get to the other side of all of this yuck, when i can look at my life from a different perspective i will see what it was all about and see why things happened the way it did....and for that i am grateful.   

i have discovered the most about me, the way i feel, think, process life through zentangling.   i do so many forms of art, but this one has taught me the most about me.   for that i am so very grateful.   

here are a few pics of my zentangle line therapy i have done over the last couple of days....

my hope for each and every person out there is not that they have something to be grateful for, but that they can see what they have to be grateful for.   

Thank you Jesus....

wow.....10 years ago i would have told you to get lost if you told me those words would come out of my mouth.

ever since i was a little girl i thought i must have been so awful that God hated me...or that i was so so bad in a previous life that God's punishment was being carried over in to this life....and so in return i told God to take a hike.

about 10 years ago i stood in a daze in my living room, home alone, thinking there had to be more to life than this....the struggle, the hubby getting up to go to work to a job he did not like, being stuck in traffic, working with jerks, only to come home and deal with the bills and then go to bed and get up and start all over again the next day.   i have been struggling with a few medical problems for years.  the kids and their varying degrees of learning disabilities, bullies at school. 

i thought...what if we are nothing more than the equivalent of ants in an ant farm on some cruel kids shelf and every time we have our tunnels in order he picks up the plastic container holding us and shakes the ever living crap out of us just to mess with us. 

i thought about 'religious people' and how i wish i could go there....i have had my dealings with the judgemental drones though and i had no desire to be like one of them.  besides how do you choose a religion.....there are so many, all with different sets of rules and regulations but they are all using the same book!  so explain that one....which one is right?  no way did i want to be 'religious'.

a few weeks later at 'the wal-mart'  a family was walking down the isle coming toward us.  i knew they were 'religious' by their dress.  the girls with their long hair and dresses.  the woman and i locked eyes and i saw the most beautiful peace in her eyes....no worry, fear, anger, anxiety....just love and peace.....i told myself i wanted THAT.  

not too very long after that i was on another artist's blog and she referenced a quote from Mike Dooley's web site TUT.  i followed her link and signed up.....not too very long after that one of the emails mentioned something about 'the Secret'.   as soon as we could afford it i bought the dvd and was in awe.  not too very long after that one day it just seemed to really hit me....i should be giving thanks to 'the universe'?  the universe was not doing this stuff....God is.   not too very long after that i figured i would give God a try....i came across Joel Osteen.  he is soft, and gentle, loving, and kind.   i had not really ever had any dealings with a man like that. 

to keep this post short....er, shorter  i will  make a long story short.  i began watching Joyce Meyer, a woman i did not initially like...because of a newspapers story, but one day i happened across her program and fell in love with her say it like it is attitude...she was the opposite of Joel in many ways, but you could tell she cared.   later i added a few other t.v. ministers to my schooling, a couple even local here.

you may not care for Joel or Joyce....but that should not matter.   they are the teachers that came when I needed them....you may have different views, beliefs, and teachers, and that is ok.  i think that how ever you come to know God has to be your own path, with its own teachers, AND respect that everyone may have a different path to becoming spiritual. 

so here i am today.  my hubby lost his job of 33 years almost a year ago.  he was set up to be fired....long story.   we have no insurance.  the hubby is working for a company that works him like a dog.  i have never seen my husband come home so exhausted and not able to stand up straight.  this is a temp job.  he is getting paid less than 1/3 of what is salary was with his old company.  once my daughter got her part time job they cut us off food stamps and insurance. 

my husband called the electric company today to make payment arrangements for a very over due bill....the woman told my husband tough luck.  my husband called me from his temp job, and in all the years i have known him, 26 years, i have only seen him cry a handful of times.  his voice was quivering and by the end of the conversation he was in tears.    normally i call the electric company, and he calls most of the other businesses.  due to my hearing impairment communicating over the phone can be difficult.   he said they would be cutting off the electric today unless we could pay the bill, which we could not.   i told him to give me a half hour.   while i dialed the number and while the phone rang and i sat on hold i prayed for God to give us favor.   by the end of the call they accepted the payment arrangement my husband had originally asked for.....thank you Jesus. 

problem number two of the day.  i am on a medication that controls my heart rate.  mysteriously 12, 13 years ago i began having all kinds of heart rhythm and rate issues.  they could not find a reason for it and told me it was just something i had to live with, that it just happens to women my age and they don't know why. 

i have an appointment with a clinic in the middle of may.  i have enough meds for this week.  when i called i asked the women if she knew of any place i could go to get a refill to get me through to the appointment....she is an older lady, and easily annoyed i think...she jumped me verbally, once i apologized (for what i do not know, i just felt she felt she needed it) she became pleasant and we ended the call.   now i can go to an urgent care center, but, we do not have the money they require for the appointment.  the clinic is only open on mondays and wednesdays for just a few short hours.  i called this morning and as i dialed and sat through the recording i asked God for his favor that there would be a cancellation on wednesday that i could get in.   a bit later old lady crankypants called me,  i explained the situation and asked if maybe she had any cancellations for wednesday.....guess what......yup they sure did.  someone had just called before me and cancelled!  thank you Jesus!    the woman almost sounded mad that she was able to help me. 

i know this is long....bear with me.  i know i am more of a picture book girl....i don't like reading essays and such, so i really try not to write them.

so this morning as my hubby was getting ready for this temp job one of my 'religious' tv preachers came on.  it really got under my hubby's skin.  the man had a very expensive suit on.  by the time he got in the car with  my daughter....we only have 1 vehicle at this time and my daughter drives the hubby to work and then he has to sit at a mcdonalds for nearly 3 hours after he gets off work for her to pick him up, so any way he gets in the car in a really angry mood cussing about this preacher and his 2,500 dollar suit....mad at the world.   you see when he and i first met we had the same feelings for God....years ago, and then last year when he lost his job...i explained to him that our way was not working for us....maybe he could just give God another chance.   i always was a nervous nelly that did not handle all we have been through in the last few years well, but by having faith and learning about God i have done pretty good.  i have had my down days and bad moments, i am only human....but i have learned so much.   i would rather be at peace during the storm  and let the storm carry me where it wants to (and by that i do not mean just sitting on my butt doing nothing either)  than exhausted from trying to fight it.  

i hope when i tell the hubby that i will now be able to get my meds refilled and we will have some money for groceries, that maybe he will see that if we have faith that God will come through for us. 

he and i, the kids, we have big dreams for our future.   i know that our ways may not be God's ways, but i do know that he put these dreams in our hearts and we will see those dreams come to pass.  i am  holding out in faith that it will be soon, we all are getting worn out by all we have been through. 

i do not know why i felt so strongly about posting this....i never want to be that shove Jesus down your throat kinda girl, i want to be a show, not tell girl.  i want to be like that woman at 'the walmart'.  someday i want someone to see the peace and love in my eyes and find their way home like i did, so i hope that this can at least reach 1 person who needs it. 


i am going to go tell God thank you again....and then make some art. 

have a beautiful day.  mwah!