Tuesday, November 17, 2015
dealing with my demons and other assorted life bits....
getting ready to sage.......but procrastinating by doing a blog post first.
our family has been through a living hell for 5 years now. my hubby was forced to retire from a job he had for over 30 years because of a money hungry company, we lost health care, our furnace and a/c pooped out and we had plans to replace them about the same time he lost his job, (we still go without heat and a/c) our antique couch and love seat, 80 and 100 years old pooped out and we were going to replace them as well, (my hubby transformed an antique buffet into a very uncomfortable couch this past summer) we were remodeling our kitchen, the outside of the house needs siding replaced.....all of that put on hold. we have gone hungry for days, even a few times for weeks....only to become ill from our body trying to process food when we were able to eat for the first time again. thankfully that was only the first few years, now, we may not be eating steak and lobster.....the meals are simple, but we eat. we have felt like, and it has looked like we have been living in _______________ (fill in the blank with the word you feel least offended by.....slums, projects, poor house........)
may 31, 2013 our home was hit by a f-3 tornado. may 31st 2014 my hubby and i were hit head on by a woman who ran a red light. it took months to be able to function again, and to this day we are both still experiencing physical issues from the accident. i still have flashbacks from the accident and panic attacks when i walk down to my studio, not to mention being in a car.... in january of this year i had 2 surgeries, and there were questions as if i would, in the end, survive the mystery infection, he had 1 in between my two. i am now finally getting back to 'normal' from that. my youngest son has lost 8 friends (?), i have lost count, this year. plus 1 friend lost both his legs in an accident, an acquaintance is fighting for his life at this moment. he has been going through a nightmare with his newest truck, my daughter experiencing a lot of mental and emotional issues as she has lost a great deal of weight this year, many of the same our sister in law experienced as she lost a great deal of weight.
then there are the stresses from trying to figure out which bills to pay this month, things we use to consider normal expenses are luxuries.
in january, when the hubby and i were recouping from our surgeries, our daughters naughty cat knocked the christmas tree down and it broke, along with most of my beautiful antique ornaments. i have been praying for a miracle that we can replace that tree, the ornaments, and buy christmas gifts for the kids. my kids are all young adults, but i can not tell you what an awful feeling it is to not only go without food on christmas morning, but to not even have a small gift under the tree for each of them. i am keeping the faith and believing with all my might that we will be blessed and be able to replace that tree, the ornaments and buy gifts not only for our kids, but for someone who still has little ones that believe in santa.
there is a ton of icky, bad, sticky, ooey gooey juju floating around this house.
it is time to clean house.
i go to church twice a week, i spend time with God everyday, i read my bible......but the blech is still around here in the house....so even if the darkness and demons are of my own making, sending them packing so i can solder, assemble, and create again in peace will be awesome.
several friends and my family have been pushing me to do an adult coloring book. i put it off. i do not have a publisher. i do not know how it is going to happen. the market is already flooded with them. i do not have a real plan. if i can't answer these questions, then why should i even start or try.....but...why not. my drawings have now been published twice.....who knows what could happen.
just a sample of some of the tangles drawn so far......
the one below i just finished last night. i love line drawing. i love how it almost seems like you could touch the page and feel the hills and valleys created by the pen. it is the most meditative art form i know of. it amazes me every time how easy it is to get in the zone and empty my mind while at the same time feeling like i am moving in rhythm with the pen.
while working on the project above, and being lost in the moment, i thought about how on a hot day you can see the shadow of heat coming off of like a bar-b-que pit, or the exhaust of a vehicle and how it rolls and moves....the lines i was drawing looked a bit like that......which led to the following thought and post on facebook....
coulda heard crickets chirping on that post. thankfully one good friend, who gets me, replied.....
as i grow older, and wiser, i realize how much energy is put out there, and how we can almost physically touch each other with that energy. i think some of us are much more sensitive to it than others. my hubby.....immune. if you seem like a nice person he likes you. me.....i can size up, with about 98% accuracy, anyone in the first few seconds i see you. maybe it has to do with a couple of icky bad things that happened as a child in combination with being hearing impaired most of my life...i have learned to listen to body language, then speech.
so anyway....back to where i was heading to ....
a few weeks ago i made a quick list of what to draw for the coloring book and decided to just start drawing. i will in faith leap, and the wings will grow on the way down. i will take the first step and the staircase will appear.
i am also in the middle of a huge hand sewing project, and getting my studio cleaned and organized, and demon free, so that i can begin making gifts.
ahhhhhh.....and when i find myself stressed, i always, and i mean always....for some reason feel the need to add in something challenging. i have been wanting to teach myself to draw monsters....nice, sweet, maybe slightly creepy, monsters....like for a year now, or more....and i decide to do it....now.
i love this little geriatric beat to crap chicken bat so much! i drew it for my oldest son's 22nd birthday card....i love that boy to pieces, but it was gut wrenching to give this guy away knowing he would be stuffed in a memory box. i feel really bad admitting that, but it is the truth.
i might draw another....i already know i would do that tattered wings a tad bit different.....
i am amazed how when we talk to our loved ones that have crossed over, how they will many times communicate back with us.
a couple of days ago i was talking, in my head, to my dad about a situation. i went to empty the washer and found a penny. lots of time i find change in the washer...no biggie. when i find just a penny, or just pennies, i feel like that is an angel saying hi. but where i found this penny when i opened the washer....i knew i had been acknowledged...
that is where the penny stayed during the entire wash, rinse, and spin cycle. how it did not vibrate in to the washer i will never know.
i also have to say that since the latest iphone update, you can not edit a photo on your phone and then have it transfer in a file you can open on a windows based computer.....grrrrrr....so the photo is sideways.
a bit earlier in the day i was talking again to my dad, and i then realized there was something on instagram i wanted to show my daughter. i grabbed my phone, opened my instagram app, and the first photo was a screen shot of a screen shot from someones phone....notice the header on the text message says......dad. got an acknowledgement again.
i don't talk to my dad everyday, and many times i don't get an answer.....that i know of. but we have connected quite a bit lately. maybe because i have been jabbering at him so much lately he is trying to get me to leave him alone...lol....?
later in the day i was thinking of my sister. her first and middle name...cheryl lynn. long story, again....talking with my dad about something involving her.....and the song 'got to be real' popped in my head. when i get random songs in my head, and i know i have not heard them recently....and they all seem to be 90's and older, i go looking up the lyrics....just to see if there is a message, or meaning. many times i can't find one. so, i googled the lyrics for this song, and it was blown away....the first and middle name of an artist that recorded this song......
blew me away......again my dad heard me. i did not remember her until i saw this on google.
if you are rolling your eyes and thinking i am a crazy flake....you gotta stand in line behind my mom, dad, and sister. thank God my hubby and kids have witnessed these things first hand enough, and 2 of my kids are gifted with this as well, so they have not had me committed. my hubby almost did not marry me because my ability to know things and weird prophetic dreams.....he tells me on a regular basis i need to document and write a book on my dreams, so since i have already exposed enough crazy here these last few blog posts i will probably start posting them next post.
but i share these very personal experiences for someone who has lost a loved one and wonders if they are a crazy flake too, or wonder if that butterfly, penny...or smell...or whatever is really a sign. i want that person to know it is real. i want that person to take comfort knowing they are surrounded by love. i also believe that the more i work on being a better me, the more i have these experiences. when i went through i really tough time and was holding a bit of anger and unforgiveness i rarely, if ever had these experiences.
i also see numbers....11/13 is from my dad, 905 from my grandma, 4/13 if i need to call my mom, smells.....coffee and home cooking from my mom's parents. cigarette smoke, my dad's parents.
i think you have to be open and willing to experience this. i think gratitude and acknowledgment play a part in it. i thank my dad, my angel, every time i am gifted. i assume it is my dad who plays games with me at times, and i feel like it is him when i find hearts, pennies in really hard to find or really odd places.
some hearts i was gifted.....
my oldest son's fiance' sent my son home with the remainder of cake she had made him...found this yellow frosting heart on the side last night.
an ice cube
there was another heart or two, and i guess i did not take a photo.
and for cat lovers.....
why does max take so long to come in the house after he comes home......i have waited for him to pet me all day....(or....am i dying, or is that just gas?)
oh....i just heard max come in the front door. (or...i just farted....did they hear it?)
being a cat is so hard.....i collapse from exhaustion.
my furry dream catcher....
my furry dream catcher giving me the stink eye for taking photos of her while she is trying to sleep.