a few weeks ago my dear friend Nancy Gene Armstrong shared a link with me for a call for zentangle art and suggested i submit some of my work for consideration.
well, i have wanted for years to submit my jewelry, art dolls, collage, soldering to the somerset magazines and others and have not just shyed away, but i have run, quickly, away.
why you ask...and for those who did not ask i will explain it anyway.
it hurts so bad, and i feel like i have had way more than my fair share of it. as a result i just quit doing those things where rejection would be an option.
by the time nancy gene had seen the link and shared it there was 24 hours left to submit artwork.
i thought about it for the first 12 hours or so. we are going through such a hard time right now....the last several years have been difficult and i really did not want to experience one more let down, dissapointment, or rejection. i can't take it. i won't volunteer for it.
but, then again....i have been working so hard to change the things in me i don't like, that don't suit me and keep me from being the best i can be so that i can be brave and strong and ready to step out of that comfort zone of mine....and these last few years that has been thrown at me whether i wanted it or not.
i knew i needed to step outside my box where it was uncomfortable and scary, even though to do so meant i would be naked, exposed, and vulnerable emotionally. the step i must take in the metamorphosis of me. and so i did it. i submitted 4 of my tangles to the create mixed media facebook page.
i wish now i would have submitted a couple of more, especially since i am finding i like the steampunky bits like i did in this piece.....
a couple of weeks later i got an email that all 4 of my pieces had been chosen for the book!
i was terrified. now something of me was expected and another fear of mine popped up...dissapointing others. this has been a most debilitating fear. it seems growing up i had quite a knack for that. now, though i understand all the why-s of it as an adult, but that little girl in me is still quite scared and hurt, and skiddish of it all.
if i did not put myself out there, i did not have to face possibly dissapointing others.
i can't do this, i can't do this, i can't do this....i gotta do this, what if i can't do this...what am i gonna do, how am i gonna do this.
the words from pages of requirements swirled all mixed up in my brain.....what if i screw this up. what if the beast attacks during the middle of this....what if i dissapoint.
i had to recreate the steps as close to the same size as in the original finished piece....i doodle just for the relaxation of it all.....i don't do it with a purpose other than the peace i feel while doing it, i do it for ME..... now i don't get to do it, i HAVE to do it, and i have to do it for others.... it is going to be so hard.....i can't...i just can't. yup that was my state of mind.
i prayed that night that Jesus would tell me how i was going to do this. (and for those who know me, ten years ago who woulda thought those words would leave these lips of mine)
the next morning i woke up and as i walked in to the kitchen i heard in my head go get your light box...go get your lightbox! thank you Jesus! i went down to my studio and was happy and dissapointed at the same time. i remembered that light box being a bit larger than it was. it was a mere 6x8 or so and the light was a night light bulb. well, that is better than nothing, right?
i showed my hubby the lightbox and said ' see Jesus gave me the answer'. he still has a love/hate thing going on with God, so sometimes i just get the ok whatever look from him. later that day he surprised me and had printed off a 40% coupon for hobby lobby and bought me a lightbox that would better suit my needs. luckily, since he is still unemployed, we had just received his retirement check that day so we had the funds to do so.
i did end up having to battle the beast during all of this in varying degrees and had one of the worst ear infections i have had in years and was in the most awful pain. but i made it through. i did not run away.
here is what i worked on over the last few days.......it took me about 6 -8 hours a day over 4 days
the hubby just left a bit ago to the post office to mail these off.
this evening i need to finish the captions and email those to the publisher and it will be done.
i did it! i did it! i did it! i am so darned proud of myself!
i am going to be brave and submit art to all those other places i have been to afraid to in the past.
a mountain conquered for this arty girl!