dealing with my demons and other assorted life bits....

getting ready to sage.......but procrastinating by doing a blog post first.

our family has been through a living hell for 5 years now.   my hubby was forced to retire from a job he had for over 30 years because of a money hungry company, we lost health care, our furnace and a/c pooped out and we had plans to replace them about the same time he lost his job, (we still go without heat and a/c)  our antique couch and love seat, 80 and 100 years old pooped out and we were going to replace them as well, (my hubby transformed an antique buffet into a very uncomfortable couch this past summer)  we were remodeling our kitchen, the outside of the house needs siding replaced.....all of that put on hold.  we have gone hungry for days, even a few times for weeks....only to become ill from our body trying to process food when we were able to eat for the first time again.  thankfully that was only the first few years, now, we may not be eating steak and lobster.....the meals are simple, but we eat.   we have felt like, and it has looked like we have been living in _______________  (fill in the blank with the word you feel least offended by.....slums, projects, poor house........)

may 31, 2013 our home was hit by a f-3 tornado.  may 31st 2014 my hubby and i were hit head on by a woman who ran a red light.   it took months to be able to function again, and to this day we are both still experiencing physical issues from the accident.  i still have flashbacks from the accident and panic attacks when i walk down to my studio, not to mention being in a car.... in january of this year i had 2 surgeries, and there were questions as if i would, in the end, survive the mystery infection, he had 1 in between my two.  i am now finally getting back to 'normal' from that.   my youngest son has lost 8 friends (?), i have lost count, this year.   plus 1 friend lost both his legs in an accident, an acquaintance is fighting for his life at this moment.  he has been going through a nightmare with his newest truck, my daughter experiencing a lot of mental and emotional issues as she has lost a great deal of weight this year, many of the same our sister in law experienced as she lost a great deal of weight.  

then there are the stresses from trying to figure out which bills to pay this month, things we use to consider normal expenses are luxuries.

in january, when the hubby and i were recouping from our surgeries, our daughters naughty cat knocked the christmas tree down and it broke, along with most of my beautiful antique ornaments.   i have been praying for a miracle that we can replace that tree, the ornaments, and buy christmas gifts for the kids.   my kids are all young adults, but i can not tell you what an awful feeling it is to not only go without food on christmas morning, but to not even have a small gift under the tree for each of them.  i am keeping the faith and believing with all my might that we will be blessed and be able to replace that tree, the ornaments and buy gifts not only for our kids, but for someone who still has little ones that believe in santa.  

there is a ton of icky, bad, sticky, ooey gooey juju floating around this house.

it is time to clean house.

i go to church twice a week, i spend time with God everyday, i read my bible......but the blech is still around here in the house....so even if the darkness and demons are of my own making, sending them packing so i can solder, assemble, and create again in peace will be awesome.


happy stuff......

several friends and my family have been pushing me to do an adult coloring book.   i put it off.  i do not have a publisher.   i do not know how it is going to happen.  the market is already flooded with them.   i do not have a real plan.  if i can't answer these questions, then why should i even start or try.....but...why not.   my drawings have now been published twice.....who knows what could happen.

just a sample of some of the tangles drawn so far......

the one below i just finished last night.   i love line drawing.   i love how it almost seems like you could touch the page and feel the hills and valleys created by the pen.  it is the most meditative art form i know of.    it amazes me every time how easy it is to get in the zone and empty my mind while at the same time feeling like i am moving in rhythm with the pen.

while working on the project above, and being lost in the moment, i thought about how on a hot day you can see the shadow of heat coming off of like a bar-b-que pit, or the exhaust of a vehicle and how it rolls and moves....the lines i was drawing looked a bit like that......which led to the following thought and post on facebook....

coulda heard crickets chirping on that post.   thankfully one good friend, who gets me, replied.....

as i grow older, and wiser, i realize how much energy is put out there, and how we can almost physically touch each other with that energy.   i think some of us are much more sensitive to it than others.   my hubby.....immune.  if you seem like a nice person he likes you.   me.....i can size up, with about 98% accuracy, anyone in the first few seconds i see you.   maybe it has to do with a couple of icky bad things that happened as a child in combination with being hearing impaired most of my life...i have learned to listen to body language, then speech.

so anyway....back to where i was heading to ....
a few weeks ago i made a quick list of what to draw for the coloring book and decided to just start drawing.   i will in faith leap, and the wings will grow on the way down.  i will take the first step and the staircase will appear.

i am also in the middle of a huge hand sewing project, and getting my studio cleaned and organized, and demon free, so that i can begin making gifts.

ahhhhhh.....and when i find myself stressed, i always, and i  mean always....for some reason feel the need to add in something challenging.   i have been wanting to teach myself to draw monsters....nice, sweet, maybe slightly creepy, monsters....like for a year now, or more....and i decide to do it....now.

monster #1

monster #2

i love this little geriatric beat to crap chicken bat so much!   i drew it for my oldest son's 22nd birthday card....i love that boy to pieces, but it was gut wrenching to give this guy away knowing he would be stuffed in a memory box.  i feel really bad admitting that, but it is the truth.

i might draw another....i already know i would do that tattered wings a tad bit different.....



my dad.......

i am amazed how when we talk to our loved ones that have crossed over, how they will many times communicate back with us.  

a couple of days ago i was talking, in my head, to my dad about a situation.  i went to empty the washer and found a penny.   lots of time i find change in the washer...no biggie.   when i find just a penny, or just pennies, i feel like that is an angel saying hi.   but where i found this penny when i opened the washer....i knew i had been acknowledged...

that is where the penny stayed during the entire wash, rinse, and spin cycle.  how it did not vibrate in to the washer i will never know.

i also have to say that since the latest iphone update, you can not edit a photo on your phone and then have it transfer in a file you can open on a windows based computer.....grrrrrr....so the photo is sideways.

a bit earlier in the day i was talking again to my dad, and i then realized there was something on instagram i wanted to show my daughter.   i grabbed my phone, opened my instagram app, and the first photo was a screen shot of a screen shot from someones phone....notice the header on the text message says......dad.    got an acknowledgement again.

i don't talk to my dad everyday, and many times i don't get an answer.....that i know of.   but we have connected quite a bit lately.  maybe because i have been jabbering at him so much lately he is trying to get me to leave him alone...lol....?

later in the day i was thinking of my sister.   her first and middle name...cheryl lynn.   long story, again....talking with my dad about something involving her.....and the song 'got to be real' popped in my head.   when i get random songs in my head, and i know i have not heard them recently....and they all seem to be 90's and older, i go looking up the lyrics....just to see if there is a message, or meaning.   many times i can't find one.   so, i googled the lyrics for this song, and it was blown away....the first and middle name of an artist that recorded this song......

blew me away......again my dad heard me.   i did not remember her until i saw this on google.

if you are rolling your eyes and thinking i am a crazy flake....you gotta stand  in line behind my mom, dad, and sister.   thank God my hubby and kids have witnessed these things first hand enough, and 2 of my kids are gifted with this as well, so they have not had me committed.   my hubby almost did not marry me because my ability to know things and weird prophetic dreams.....he tells me on a regular basis i need to document and write a book on my dreams, so since i have already exposed enough crazy here these last few blog posts i will probably start posting them next post.

but i share these very personal experiences for someone who has lost a loved one and wonders if they are a crazy flake too, or wonder if that butterfly, penny...or smell...or whatever is really a sign.   i want that person to know it is real.   i want that person to take comfort knowing they are surrounded by love.   i also believe that the more i work on being a better me, the more i have these experiences.  when i went through i really tough time and was holding a bit of anger and unforgiveness i rarely, if ever had these experiences.

i also see numbers....11/13 is from my dad, 905 from my grandma, 4/13 if i need to call my mom, smells.....coffee and home cooking from my mom's parents.   cigarette smoke, my dad's parents.

i think you have to be open and willing to experience this.   i think gratitude and acknowledgment play a part in it.   i thank my dad, my angel, every time i am gifted.   i assume it is my dad who plays games with me at times, and i feel like it is him when i find hearts, pennies in really hard to find or really odd places.


some hearts i was gifted.....

my oldest son's fiance' sent my son home with the remainder of cake she had made him...found this yellow frosting heart on the side last night.

an ice cube

there was another heart or two, and i guess i did not take a photo.



and for cat lovers.....


why does max take so long to come in the house after he comes home......i have waited for him to pet me all day....(or....am i dying, or is that just gas?)

oh....i just heard max come in the front door.   (or...i just farted....did they hear it?)

being a cat is so hard.....i collapse from exhaustion.

my furry dream catcher....

my furry dream catcher giving me the stink eye for taking photos of her while she is trying to sleep.

psssst.....i'm back

for those who just come for the art of it all there will be pics below all the blabbering of my life as  it has been nearly a month so bear with this girl while she gets her blog bearings back.

i really have a good excuse reason why i was gone.....i have gotten out of the house in the last month more than i have in a year total....sick, sad, and pathetic.....and so cool all at the same time. 

i was out and about with my mom and sister....twice.  no pics because i was concentrating on not falling on my face.  apparently the beast thought it was invited as well. 

as many of you know my sister was one ill puppy and in the hospital...remind me to show you the vase i soldered up for her to hold some of my home grown flowers to help brighten her hospital room.....  and i want to say THANK YOU again for all of your prayers and thoughts and well wishes....and she thanks ya too.  i know they were heard.  she is at home now and healing from it all, slowly but surely.  thank God. 

i finally got myself back on an almost normal peeps sleeping schedule which meant no late night blog posts.   i had been trying to find that perfect 'blog' time alternative and once i did i realized the end of the school year is just days away and i need to rethink it all over again.   i so need my peace and quiet in order to blog.

we changed from charter to at&t.  ugh.  maybe i should save that story for another decade. 

i am posting now in the wee hours of the morning.  i have been in bed for 4 days now.  i think my butt is growing roots in the mattress. since i have not done anything, besides spin, for the last 4 days and i am starting to feel a bit better,  i am wide, wide, wide awake.  just like i had a dozen or so pots of coffee. and i drank 'em with a straw...oh wait that only means something with alcohol doesn't it...   i have known for the last week or so that beast was going to get extra nasty, and on thursday night it did.   instead of sending an email, or giving me a call it causes intense pressure in my ears that is very painful along with bouts of temporary deafness in one or both ears becoming more  frequent than normal along with the 'ringing' in my ears becoming even louder.  this time headaches came along for the ride, even while popping 4 motrin every 4 hours. 

ohhhh....and we have a new member of the family.   it is a long story.  everyone has wanted a second cat, again.  as if the first second cat we had was not enough of a nightmare.  i have said no.  they have said puhlease.  back and forth and back and forth.   especially now since the hubs job situation and financials and all.  the daughter went with a friend to a pet store.  clarence was a rescue kitty needing a home.  his top is pure midnight black, his belleh is brownish black.  and he is cross-eyed.  big time.  he has some depth perception issues.  lots and lots of other peeps applied and were denied to adopt.   we applied...yes i gave in...figured the cat lady  would say no and i would not be the bad guy.  uh...she said yes.  we now have a second second kitteh.  he is sweeter than sweet.   moan-uh is just now dealing with him and has come out of hiding after 2...or is it 3 weeks now.  oh...hold on i gotta get the pic my sister took of him off facebook......be right back.  

ok...this does not show the full extent of his crossy-ness.  it is next to impossible to get a good photo since he is all black.  but it gives you an idea.

he mostly sleeps like this....actually with all four legs kinda up in the air like bloated road kill....he kinda fell over to the side here. 

he is a few inches over 3 feet long nose to tail.  we are thinking he is part maine coon.   he looks like a panther when he walks and stalks through the house. 



ok...lets see.....oh yea.  the vase(s) i made.....

it started life an just a plain old spice jar

i so love the texture.

i soldered a charm and used some green sari silk to attach.   i was not quite sure if i was in love at first, so i decided to make another, just in case i liked the second one better and could give that one to my sister instead. 

i decided to keep this one for myself.  see the 'thorns' i soldered on the charm?  yup....figured the last thing my poor sister needed was to get jabbed by a 'thorn' and end up in worse shape since she is allergic to everything and with our luck end up with solder-patina poisoning.  not that it exists in the normal world....with normal people. 


so....anybody in the mood for a tute on aging a mirror?  i was not sure if i would be up for it, but here i am still wide awake and thinking my beast induced brain fuzzies might cooperate.

i had a couple of different types of mirrors. 

some had grey backs, the others terra cotta.  

the terra cotta ones came from hobby lobby.   dunno where the grey backed ones came from.

a little back story on how i figured this all out.   i have been wanting to do this for quite some time, but when i read up on it here, there, and everywhere on the internet it involved a really super icky chemical and from what i could tell what expensive...like 30 - 60 bucks kind of expensive.  

one day i came across a tute from someone who actually ages mirror and sells them...like seems to make a living doing it from how i read it.   while reading this latest version the teacher mentioned using a product to eat the silver off that sounded like a patina.....hey i have some of that....i wonder?   what do i have to lose, right?   and besides the novacan patina is icky, kinda bad icky but not super icky which makes it not as icky to use.  right?   

first you have to strip the paint off the back of the mirror.

i seem to have misplaced the photo of the stripper i use.  i only use citri strip.  it is orange.  much less icky scary than the other stuff. 

the mirrors from hobby lobby...the terra cotta backed....stripped off in just minutes.  the grey backed mirrors took hours.  the neat thing is the stripper actually started to eat some of the silver off of the grey backed ones. 

once the mirrors are washed off then grab your novacan black patina.   i also had cotton balls and a straw, some paper towels and a vinegar/water solution, and don't forget the safety glasses and rubber gloves. 

the mirror on the left has been wiped down with patina, and then i let the cotton ball sit on a part of the mirror.

the mirror on the right has a puddle of patina sitting on it.  i used the straw to grab some of the patina out of the bottle.  you know how you stick the straw in the liquid and use your finger as a stopper to hold the liquid in. 

i spent the next several hours experimenting.   the first mirror i did this to, the patina ate the silver off in literally a fraction of a second.  others took several minutes.   some needed some elbow grease with the cotton ball, others not so much.  all i can say is wait for the mirrors to go on sale at hobby lobby and buy a bunch and play and practice.

after you have removed the amount of silver you want then you need to neutralize the patina.  i used just plain water and used a vinegar/water mixture.  both worked just fine.  

i then sat the mirrors outside to make sure the were completely dry for a bit.

the next step is to spray paint the back.  i think photo goblins raided my album since i seem to be missing the photo of the spray paint i used as well.   that is what happens when you let a month go by between the photo taking and the photo using.  

i used a charcoaly grey color.  it was also textured, so it dried to a very flat finish. 

this is a sampling of some of the mirrors i aged.   thinking i did a so-so job, considering it was my first time and all i was pretty happy.  i went back to the site where i found the info and much to my surprise, surprise, surprise  (imagine goober's voice here)  my mirrors looked like their mirrors....the ones they sell!  yippee!

this is the first mirror i did....the one that took only a fraction of a second for the patina to eat the silver off.  it is a bit over done...but i like it and hung it in my bathroom.  i will take a photo of it tomorrow and post....tomorrow.

the frame of this mirror was a pukey gross green.  when i used the stripper on it i found the green paint had soaked deeply in to the wood and there was no removing it all.  it left the wood looking almost mossy!  i added a coat of antique walnut stain to age it a bit.   i think i am in love!

this is the back of one of the mirrors after i applied to spray paint.   this mirror had been glued to an antique silver platter.  i had used a heat gun to release the glue and much to my surprise found a heart...see it?  right there...see!   i have since re-glued the mirror back in.  need to take a photo of that one too tomorrow.  

okey dokey...i think that about does it.   the brain fuzzies are getting a bit gnarly.  if you have any questions you know where to find me!  

if tomorrow is better i will play show and tell with giving metal a patina with a.....drum roll.....torch! 

sweet dreams....much love to you.