dealing with my demons and other assorted life bits....

getting ready to sage.......but procrastinating by doing a blog post first.

our family has been through a living hell for 5 years now.   my hubby was forced to retire from a job he had for over 30 years because of a money hungry company, we lost health care, our furnace and a/c pooped out and we had plans to replace them about the same time he lost his job, (we still go without heat and a/c)  our antique couch and love seat, 80 and 100 years old pooped out and we were going to replace them as well, (my hubby transformed an antique buffet into a very uncomfortable couch this past summer)  we were remodeling our kitchen, the outside of the house needs siding replaced.....all of that put on hold.  we have gone hungry for days, even a few times for weeks....only to become ill from our body trying to process food when we were able to eat for the first time again.  thankfully that was only the first few years, now, we may not be eating steak and lobster.....the meals are simple, but we eat.   we have felt like, and it has looked like we have been living in _______________  (fill in the blank with the word you feel least offended by.....slums, projects, poor house........)

may 31, 2013 our home was hit by a f-3 tornado.  may 31st 2014 my hubby and i were hit head on by a woman who ran a red light.   it took months to be able to function again, and to this day we are both still experiencing physical issues from the accident.  i still have flashbacks from the accident and panic attacks when i walk down to my studio, not to mention being in a car.... in january of this year i had 2 surgeries, and there were questions as if i would, in the end, survive the mystery infection, he had 1 in between my two.  i am now finally getting back to 'normal' from that.   my youngest son has lost 8 friends (?), i have lost count, this year.   plus 1 friend lost both his legs in an accident, an acquaintance is fighting for his life at this moment.  he has been going through a nightmare with his newest truck, my daughter experiencing a lot of mental and emotional issues as she has lost a great deal of weight this year, many of the same our sister in law experienced as she lost a great deal of weight.  

then there are the stresses from trying to figure out which bills to pay this month, things we use to consider normal expenses are luxuries.

in january, when the hubby and i were recouping from our surgeries, our daughters naughty cat knocked the christmas tree down and it broke, along with most of my beautiful antique ornaments.   i have been praying for a miracle that we can replace that tree, the ornaments, and buy christmas gifts for the kids.   my kids are all young adults, but i can not tell you what an awful feeling it is to not only go without food on christmas morning, but to not even have a small gift under the tree for each of them.  i am keeping the faith and believing with all my might that we will be blessed and be able to replace that tree, the ornaments and buy gifts not only for our kids, but for someone who still has little ones that believe in santa.  

there is a ton of icky, bad, sticky, ooey gooey juju floating around this house.

it is time to clean house.

i go to church twice a week, i spend time with God everyday, i read my bible......but the blech is still around here in the house....so even if the darkness and demons are of my own making, sending them packing so i can solder, assemble, and create again in peace will be awesome.


happy stuff......

several friends and my family have been pushing me to do an adult coloring book.   i put it off.  i do not have a publisher.   i do not know how it is going to happen.  the market is already flooded with them.   i do not have a real plan.  if i can't answer these questions, then why should i even start or try.....but...why not.   my drawings have now been published twice.....who knows what could happen.

just a sample of some of the tangles drawn so far......

the one below i just finished last night.   i love line drawing.   i love how it almost seems like you could touch the page and feel the hills and valleys created by the pen.  it is the most meditative art form i know of.    it amazes me every time how easy it is to get in the zone and empty my mind while at the same time feeling like i am moving in rhythm with the pen.

while working on the project above, and being lost in the moment, i thought about how on a hot day you can see the shadow of heat coming off of like a bar-b-que pit, or the exhaust of a vehicle and how it rolls and moves....the lines i was drawing looked a bit like that......which led to the following thought and post on facebook....

coulda heard crickets chirping on that post.   thankfully one good friend, who gets me, replied.....

as i grow older, and wiser, i realize how much energy is put out there, and how we can almost physically touch each other with that energy.   i think some of us are much more sensitive to it than others.   my hubby.....immune.  if you seem like a nice person he likes you.   me.....i can size up, with about 98% accuracy, anyone in the first few seconds i see you.   maybe it has to do with a couple of icky bad things that happened as a child in combination with being hearing impaired most of my life...i have learned to listen to body language, then speech.

so anyway....back to where i was heading to ....
a few weeks ago i made a quick list of what to draw for the coloring book and decided to just start drawing.   i will in faith leap, and the wings will grow on the way down.  i will take the first step and the staircase will appear.

i am also in the middle of a huge hand sewing project, and getting my studio cleaned and organized, and demon free, so that i can begin making gifts.

ahhhhhh.....and when i find myself stressed, i always, and i  mean always....for some reason feel the need to add in something challenging.   i have been wanting to teach myself to draw monsters....nice, sweet, maybe slightly creepy, monsters....like for a year now, or more....and i decide to do it....now.

monster #1

monster #2

i love this little geriatric beat to crap chicken bat so much!   i drew it for my oldest son's 22nd birthday card....i love that boy to pieces, but it was gut wrenching to give this guy away knowing he would be stuffed in a memory box.  i feel really bad admitting that, but it is the truth.

i might draw another....i already know i would do that tattered wings a tad bit different.....



my dad.......

i am amazed how when we talk to our loved ones that have crossed over, how they will many times communicate back with us.  

a couple of days ago i was talking, in my head, to my dad about a situation.  i went to empty the washer and found a penny.   lots of time i find change in the washer...no biggie.   when i find just a penny, or just pennies, i feel like that is an angel saying hi.   but where i found this penny when i opened the washer....i knew i had been acknowledged...

that is where the penny stayed during the entire wash, rinse, and spin cycle.  how it did not vibrate in to the washer i will never know.

i also have to say that since the latest iphone update, you can not edit a photo on your phone and then have it transfer in a file you can open on a windows based computer.....grrrrrr....so the photo is sideways.

a bit earlier in the day i was talking again to my dad, and i then realized there was something on instagram i wanted to show my daughter.   i grabbed my phone, opened my instagram app, and the first photo was a screen shot of a screen shot from someones phone....notice the header on the text message says......dad.    got an acknowledgement again.

i don't talk to my dad everyday, and many times i don't get an answer.....that i know of.   but we have connected quite a bit lately.  maybe because i have been jabbering at him so much lately he is trying to get me to leave him alone...lol....?

later in the day i was thinking of my sister.   her first and middle name...cheryl lynn.   long story, again....talking with my dad about something involving her.....and the song 'got to be real' popped in my head.   when i get random songs in my head, and i know i have not heard them recently....and they all seem to be 90's and older, i go looking up the lyrics....just to see if there is a message, or meaning.   many times i can't find one.   so, i googled the lyrics for this song, and it was blown away....the first and middle name of an artist that recorded this song......

blew me away......again my dad heard me.   i did not remember her until i saw this on google.

if you are rolling your eyes and thinking i am a crazy flake....you gotta stand  in line behind my mom, dad, and sister.   thank God my hubby and kids have witnessed these things first hand enough, and 2 of my kids are gifted with this as well, so they have not had me committed.   my hubby almost did not marry me because my ability to know things and weird prophetic dreams.....he tells me on a regular basis i need to document and write a book on my dreams, so since i have already exposed enough crazy here these last few blog posts i will probably start posting them next post.

but i share these very personal experiences for someone who has lost a loved one and wonders if they are a crazy flake too, or wonder if that butterfly, penny...or smell...or whatever is really a sign.   i want that person to know it is real.   i want that person to take comfort knowing they are surrounded by love.   i also believe that the more i work on being a better me, the more i have these experiences.  when i went through i really tough time and was holding a bit of anger and unforgiveness i rarely, if ever had these experiences.

i also see numbers....11/13 is from my dad, 905 from my grandma, 4/13 if i need to call my mom, smells.....coffee and home cooking from my mom's parents.   cigarette smoke, my dad's parents.

i think you have to be open and willing to experience this.   i think gratitude and acknowledgment play a part in it.   i thank my dad, my angel, every time i am gifted.   i assume it is my dad who plays games with me at times, and i feel like it is him when i find hearts, pennies in really hard to find or really odd places.


some hearts i was gifted.....

my oldest son's fiance' sent my son home with the remainder of cake she had made him...found this yellow frosting heart on the side last night.

an ice cube

there was another heart or two, and i guess i did not take a photo.



and for cat lovers.....


why does max take so long to come in the house after he comes home......i have waited for him to pet me all day....(or....am i dying, or is that just gas?)

oh....i just heard max come in the front door.   (or...i just farted....did they hear it?)

being a cat is so hard.....i collapse from exhaustion.

my furry dream catcher....

my furry dream catcher giving me the stink eye for taking photos of her while she is trying to sleep.

they never leave us, completely

the 13th of this month will be 11 years ago my dad passed away, 'unexpectedly'.


unexpectedly in quotes, because this girl, the family flake, knew months before my dad passed that there was not much time left for him with us.   a couple of months before he died i hugged him extra tight and breathed in his cologne as deeply as i could.   i never told anyone i knew, because how do you tell people that think you are a bit odd, weird, and flakey that their husband/dad is going to die.

my dad died at the age of 59 of an aortic aneurism.

(his ashes are in the heart necklace.   i ended up being allergic to the necklace.   i cried for days.   i felt my dad was rejecting me again and did not want to be that close to me.)


i love my daddy very much.....i miss him very much.

my dad had a rough life growing up, a screwed up life.....something that was passed down like hair or eye color through the generations.   it affected our relationship greatly.   he and my mom were kids when i was born, just 9 days after my mom's 18th birthday.  he was just 20.   i was a mistake.

skipping most of the details, my younger sister and i were raised differently.   i was the black sheep, flake.....you name it.  if it was negative, it was me.   spent most of my life on what my parents called 'the shit list'.   never made that man proud once.   if he was happy with me, i knew it was just a matter of time before i screwed up again and was back on 'the list'.   i tried so hard to be what they wanted and expected me to be and i was not true to my self....after all being accepted by others is a desire we all have to a degree, but being accepted by your tribe, your family and loved unconditionally is almost a need.

that is me to the left....

in the months before my dad passed we had some really good conversations, that i treasure....who knows what would have happened had he lived.

i tell you this, so that you know i was not daddy's little girl, we were not really close.   in time i learned to understand he was a product of a super crappy childhood.  i would like to say i have forgiven him completely....for the most part i have.  sometimes i just remember something that still hurts or makes me mad, but.......but......i have changed.   i get it.  the adult in me is all good, the little girl in me....eh....she is healing.     i wish we had another chance......and my dad has worked really hard from the other side to show me he loves me.

i wrote a post, here on my blog,  in august of 2013 about how he came to me, and our family in the form of a butterfly.   we interacted for a very long time.   it was my wedding anniversary.  it was the most beautiful experience.   i hoped to have another experience someday, but i felt selfish for wishing and asking for it.   we took hundreds of photos.  one of the photos i use as my home screen on my phone.   it was, and still is one of my most precious experiences and gifts i have ever received.

this past august 4th, the day of my wedding anniversary, i asked my dad for another butterfly.  later that afternoon i realized i had zero chance of interacting with a butterfly because our house was under an almost 2 month attack from hornets.   BUT.....later that day i walked by our finch cage and saw this floating in the water bowl.....

i line the bottom of the finch cage, and change the paper almost daily, with adds from this.....

these are free at local shops, they fit the finch cage perfectly.    there are various adds, mostly used car dealers and working ladies advertise here.   never once had i seen a butterfly on any of the pages, but floating in the water bowl was a torn piece with a butterfly on it.    my finches are very smart...they pull the paper in to their bowl and have learned that when the paper gets wet it tears easily, they then line their nests with the paper and as it dries it conforms to the nest.

i never said out loud i wanted another butterfly.   just in my head.   i have learned our loved ones who have passed not only hear our words.....they know what we are thinking.   i know because it has happened many times.

i receive hearts on a regular basis, and photograph quite a few of them...just so i don't forget just how loved i am from the other side.

my dad plays hide and seek with pennies and hearts.  sometimes i sense he is playing a game with me.   or, maybe he knows i will always listen to that tiny voice that tells me to look some place weird and do something goofy.

these are just a few of the hearts i was given in the past 10 days or so.....

this past wednesday....the 2nd i believe, i was feeling the kind of menieres attack coming on that is the worst.   it is hard not to get worked up knowing what is in store.   i did as much housework as i could and crossed a few other things off my to do list knowing i had at least a couple of days in bed coming.   i had already been grounded to bed several times by the hubby over the last couple of weeks with bad attacks, but this one.  yuck.   i can't even sew, draw, watch tv, get on the computer....nothing.     i found myself standing just a few feet from the foyer trying to figure out what to do next as my brain and body were starting to feel crappier by the minute and i decided that something good is going to happen to me today.   with that i felt the need to look out the sidelight window of my front door.   i looked down and there is was.....

i saw that the penny was heads up and thought to myself how my dad would have approved of this one.   he was a very superstitious guy. 

i wobbled down the hall to get my phone so i could take a photo of where it was on the porch to show my hubby and kids later and found this new text message on my phone from my hubby......which i thought confirmed that the penny on the porch was definitely from my dad....but wait....it gets lots better.

it is a photo of a Sysco truck.  that is the company my dad was working for up until the day he died.  we always take it as a 'hi' from my dad when we see one.  

my hubby is not tech savy at all.   we have shown him hundreds of times how to save photos from a text message and how to text a photo to someone and whooooooofffff, it goes right in one ear and out the other and doesn't even mess up his hair!   so, by the grace of God, he somehow was able to text me this.

this, though was not the first photo he took.   this is......

my hubby, being the sweet guy he is, and listening to the voice....that quite honestly i don't even think he is aware of......he decided to get a better photo of the truck for me.   it was his love for me and his instinct to pull in to the parking lot where the truck was and snap the first photo i showed you that gave me the hand written note from my dad.

as i looked at the photo my  hubby texted me, i noticed a weird brown, transparent floaty thing to the left of the cab of the truck.  i enlarged the photo on my screen......

you can actually read the word better in the second of the 3 photos.   it appears to be a skeletonized leaf being blown by the wind, as it was quite breezy that day.   it says 'dad' on it!!!   my dad knew that brown blob would peak my curiosity.   he sent me a note.   it almost looks as thought the top part of the line of the first lower case 'd' was cut off, but that says dad....i was so excited to show my hubby and kids as they came home.

my dad did it again.   this last photo is now on the lock screen of my phone.   i can't tell you how many times a day i lock my phone just so i can see it.    it is now the last thing i look at before i go to sleep and the first thing i look at in the morning.   i feel so blessed to feel a kind of love i wanted so badly from my dad while he was alive, now.

it gets just a bit better.......

the evening our neighbor took his life, i was devastated.  my heart ached to see him laying there in his backyard, alone.   i kept praying for a sign that he made it 'home' safely and was at peace.

my husband and i stayed outside until the coroner van drove off with his body.   while the csi and detective were gathering info i noticed a group of 's' in the sky.  i tried to figure out what it meant, and i decided to take a photo of it in hopes i would figure the puzzle out on a later date.   i figured it out when looking at the photos my hubby took of the Sysco truck,   my dad was letting me know tom was safe and sound.

there is one 's' in the bluish color in the sky, kind of slanted, and 2 in the pink.

they kind of form a pattern, like this.

that just happens to be in the same pattern as the 's' in the Sysco logo.

so.  if you have lost someone.   please know, they are around you.   you have to believe, be open to the experience.......and maybe be just a bit of a flake.



thank you daddy.   i love you.  

p.s.   just realized i forgot to add this.....when i was going through my uploaded files to pick the photos for this post, one of the photos with the leaf signed dad, is photo number 465.   i was born april (4th month) 1965.    my birthday acknowledged by my dad.  

skipping part two....

6 months ago i promised to be back with a part 2.  january was a really icky bad month for us....i planned to share it all, not just for you, but i know that every bit of myself i put out here, someday, my grandkids, and their grandkids will be able to find.   our future generations have an advantage we don't have, a way to find out about our ancestory that time does not cause to fade away or disintegrate.  i really wanted to pass down this part of our story.

 someday i will post about january 2015.  

it has really been a tug-o-war for me to get back to blogging, and now that i decided to put part two on hold i am excited to get back here.  

i will share this much from january.....we have a new koolaide pitcher.    don't worry, it was never used for its intended purpose, but that is the weirdness that is our family.   come to our home and ask for a drink....this is what you will see.   as an added bonus.....this will be the photo that will pop up on facebook with the link to my blog....that makes this all the more fun.....for me.

so.....here we are.....where do i start.   i have tons of past art i want to share....lots of new stuff i am working on.  and a ton of photos to sort through, and i kinda forgot about that.

i was in such a rush to get back here once i gave myself permission to skip the part 2 blog post i did not think this through.

so here we go.....

i have been working on me.  fixing me.  mentally and  repairing the literal broken parts of me from the accident and the surgeries in january.   trying to figure out, since my life took such a huge detour from where i thought i was heading, what my purpose is.   why am i even here.   let me tell you, i have gone down some pretty deep, dark holes thinking about the ,why do i even exist part,....not good.

i thought i was suppose to be an artist, a maker, a creator.   feels like that rug got yanked out from under me, for several reasons.   i have a studio, downstairs, that up until a couple of weeks ago had not been touched in almost 16 months.   i start cleaning it up a couple of weeks ago.  i have been debating on working down there again, which i love, or just packing the stuff up and selling the supplies tools and equipment.   the hubby and kids talked me in to getting back to work down there.  

i have found myself stuck in the finances of it all....my husband,  someone who is what i would not call a deep, philosophical kind of guy, said to me...'go, create, make.  it is what makes you happy...the rest will take care of itself.'   with in a day or so i found this video.....

https://www.facebook.com/KyleCeasePage/videos/10153055923883062/

it says the same thing.   wow.....my hubby is becoming quite the wise one in his older years!

those of you who are facebook friends with me know i have started really pushing myself to get back in to shape again.   to regain lost muscle.   i was averaging 1,700 steps a day a couple of months ago.   i have managed to push, and i admit too hard, too fast, but i have now walked as much as 18,000 plus steps in a day.   i am now averaging 13,000 - 15,000 for the most part.   this has been a very painful process since i have permanent nerve damage in my knees and fibromyalgia, and still having back and rib muscle spasms from the car accident.   i still deal with the positional vertigo and vertigo from menieres disease.   i also broke 2 of my wee little piggies a month...or two ago, and those little boogers have not healed yet completely, and last night i ran in to the same chair with the same toes and messed them up again!

 so....back on track.   i walk, in my house, for an hour, first thing every morning.  (i walk in my house because i get the spins from the positional vertigo and menieres, going out by myself can be dangerous, and like the family dog i sat and waited patiently to be walked and everyone is busy or tired, so one day during a stressful situation i found myself pacing while waiting for phone calls and found i racked up quite a bit of steps)   i also spend that first hour, while walking, spending time with God...talking and praying...then spacing off and thinking about my to do list for the day, then back to jabbering with God.   the other day i asked, for the umpteenth time, for God to please point me in the direction, give me a hint, a clue, of what direction i should be going....what should i be focusing on.  .........and cue the crickets....i am clueless.   i hear nothing.   nothing.  

what the hell am i even here for?   why do i exist.   there is a lot of history to that question for me that i will have to explain later.  

a couple of nights ago i had a dream...i could not remember it at first and it was driving me nuts.   with every pass of the finch cage on my morning walk i found myself looking at the nest that had 2 eggs in it, that the parents decided they would rather eat, instead of nurture. then i remembered the dream....i think i got a partial answer to my question i keep nagging God with.  

in my dream i brought home a fish tank, like a large hermit crab plastic tank, filled with fish.  i remember in particular a large bright orange fish was one of several in this tank.   i sat that tank on top of a huge, huge tank that at that moment was dark and i did not know was filled with water and fish.   i plugged the bubbler in to supply oxygen to the fish in the smaller tank i had just brought home, and walked away.   later i came back to check on the fish and they were barely alive, all at the bottom, lying on their sides.  i realized they were not getting enough oxygen...they needed life breathed back in to them.   i reached behind the huge tank to grab the air pump so i could use it for the smaller tank.  when i reached behind the huge tank i accidentally flipped the light switch on for the huge tank.   when the lights came on i saw that there was still water in the tank.  the first thing i saw was the skeleton of a large dead fish, and my first thought was 'i need to save those bones for my art'.   then i saw a snail, the size of my head slowly moving up the tank.   the snail had continued to grow and had become enormous, even though i thought it had died a long time ago.   then i saw several baby eels, or water snakes...then the momma.  the tank was not only filled with life, when i thought all in it was dead, but it had multiplied, and everything had grown and become huge.  
there were baby fish, a blue one and a yellow one, swimming and full of life while still in their clear egg sacks.

i was excited when i remembered the dream, i felt it was prophesying something positive.   so i walked round and round the house and dissected the dream over and over.   by the time my hour was up i felt that i was being told that i had given up a big dream, bigger than i even imagined it could have been, and while working to keep a smaller dream alive, eventually it brought that bigger dream back to life, and, again, bigger than i had originally dreamed it to be.    i am still a bit clueless....not sure what huge dream i gave up, because the smaller dream i feel like i am having to fight to keep alive is the only dream i can really remember having.....time will tell.

this dream, the video, the wise words of a simple man all have told me to carry on and it will all take care of itself and work itself out.  

i have been feeling the pull for months to get back to my studio, but most importantly, at this moment to get back to blogging.   the gut, for me, is always right.

excited to be back here, and can't wait to post photos of my latest projects.      

 

not sure what to put here just yet, but it is part 1 of 2

this is how my main studio table looks today.  it is exactly how i left it may 31st, 2014 at 8:30 am.  about 10 months ago.  

the last couple of blog posts i had hinted that i was working on something big and exciting and that i would soon be letting you know what i had been up to.

well, back in april of last year my sister, mom, and i had gone to paducah, kentucky for a quilt show.  we went to a gallery in the art district and my sister and i had been approached by the gallery director to sell our jewelry.    i had planned to share the exciting news with photos of the completed pieces on the 2nd of june, after they were in the mail and on their way to the gallery.

i finally, after some deep soul searching figured out i was afraid of success, figured out why i was afraid of success, and found the courage to kick that fear in the ever lovin a@@ and put myself out there and go for it!  i was so proud of myself and excited and felt that now our 'luck' was changing for the better.  life was going to be better.   who knew what else i could accomplish.   and.....i was running down to the wire, but i was going to make my deadline on time.   the procrastination gene runs in our family, big time.   i may not have kicked that in the butt.....but i had given it a good shove.

on the morning of may 31st my hubby and i were going to a artist/teacher recycle shop.  i was really hoping to find some vintage blanket binding.  the kind that crinkles when you wash and dry it.   i had found some there a few months earlier.  i needed it for the project i was sending to the gallery.

i was so proud of myself that morning.   i use to tell my kids that we were part vampire, since some of my ancestors did come from what was transylvania....and were are night owls.   my norm is to stay up till 3 am or later and sleep until 11 or noon.   i had been working for months on becoming somewhat normal.   on may 31st i woke up and most importantly got up at 7:30am.......and was functional.  

when getting ready, i only put some blush and mascara on....was in too much of a hurry to get all dressed up, because i was on a mission.  i was excited!  normally when i only do the basics i dont wear my jewelry.   for some reason i grabbed a necklace i had not worn in over 10 years.   the first piece i had ever soldered.   a bottle broke off the bottom that needed to be replaced was my excuse for not wearing it.   it was a reliquary in tribute to my dad who passed unexpectedly i 2004.   i had a strong urge to wear it.  weird....but i am weird, so i did not give it much more thought.   and put it on. the chain broke in the accident.   i believe my daddy was our angel that day.  

i putzed in my studio for about an hour, ran upstairs to take a shower and the hubby and i were off to leftovers....the recycle shop.   on the way there were a handful of subdivisions around ours having garage sales.   the hubby insisted on going even though we did not really have money to buy anything...money still being very tight since he was forced to retire 3 years earlier.   we stopped at one house that had some really really reasonably priced antiques....it still makes me sad we could not buy anything.   the couple happened to be very, very christian. we began talking about and sharing out experiences with the tornado that had hit our homes exactly one year prior.   my hubby is not a faith filled person and is not comfortable having conversations of such and was getting antsy.   i was enjoying sharing stories, but all of the sudden this smell almost made me sick.   it was suppose to be sage, the wife had begun to burn, but it smelled bad, not the normal smell of sage.   at that point i got a bit uncomfortable and we left.   we hit leftovers and then headed for home to take our middle guy to work and then hit another store or two to find the blanket binding i needed for my project.  

we never made it home, that day.  

just about 2 miles from home we were hit head on by a woman who ran a red light.    it was only at 34 miles per hour....my hubby and i had been discussing the speed about a minute earlier and both saw the display on the dash.  

i was in the process of texting our son to tell him we would be home in about 5 minutes or so and i heard my husband scream that she was pulling out and he could not stop.   i am thankful i did not see anything until the moment of impact.  

i had chosen not to wear my hearing aids that day.   the noise i did hear was horrifying.   if i hear a noise that is similiar to this day, i find myself right back at the accident, trying to catch my breath, shaking for a couple of hours and in tears.   it can be quite embarrassing if out in public when this happens.

i later remembered that i had blacked out right after impact.  when i came to, it was foggy and took a bit for me to focus my eyes.  later we would see in photos where my head hit the windshield and broke the glass....even though i was wearing my seatbelt and there were air bags.  

as i was coming to, the first thought i had was 'wow, this is what slugs feel like when they have salt dumped on them'    don't ask me why.   my grandpa showed me this when i was much younger.  it was awful to watch them suffer.  

my hubby and i reached for each other to see if we were ok.   he jumped out of the car and came to my side to check on me.   i felt like someone had shoved a pillow up under my rib cage and i could breathe, but could not expand my ribs or lungs to get much air in.   the left side of my body hurt beyond words.   my right arm hurt.   my crutch was on the right side between me and the door and left quite a bruise.   my knees were instantly swollen and i was worried there had been some major damage done to them.  

my hubby took photos of her car vs our car....we learned to do this after an accident our daughter was involved in a year earlier.  the woman that my daughter hit caused more damage on her car after the accident to get a larger claim check, and it was our word against hers.  so lesson learned.

we were in our daughters car because ours was having some mechanical issues.   she had not even made the second payment on her car.   it was totaled.   the woman who hit us, a dent and a few scratches.   someone at the scene had to cut the wire to her horn because it would not stop blaring.  


(if you look at the windshield on the passenger side, you can see where my head broke the glass, and again, this was with both a seatbelt and airbag.)

after several hours in the hospital, xrays and such,  we were both sent home with pain pills, muscle relaxers....etc.  

the hospital experience was  awful.   just because i did not have guts or bones hanging out of my body did not mean i was not in the worst pain i had ever experienced in my life.  but that is a long story.  the staff was awful.  a turd has more compassion than the majority of the staff of that hospital.  (saint joseph's, if you were wondering the name)

i hurt so bad that for the first couple of days i had to have someone pull my pants up and down so i could pee.   all i kept thinking was thank God i was not on my period.   i found a way after the first couple of days to get my own pants up and down because i felt bad having to wake my hubby up, who was in pain, to help me.  it took several minutes and the pain was awful.....the worst i have ever felt.    after several days i took my first shower.....now that was some awful pain.  

5 weeks i was in bed full time.  only on occasion getting my own refill on water to make sure i moved a bit here and there.   by the 6th week i forced myself to move because the next week my mom was going in for back surgery and i knew i needed to be mobile for that.

a couple of days after the accident i ended up back in the e.r.   i was having pain in my shoulder when i tried to breath, and since i nearly died of a p.e. from a dvt in 2003, they did a ct scan to make sure there were no blood clots in my lungs.  

over the next few months the hubby and i healed.   to this day he has back spasms and pain almost every day, sometimes every day.    we had been helping my mom take care of her house and cats since the beginning of may, and the hubby was still taking care of her house and pets 2 - 3 times a week with only a few weeks off.  

i sleep mostly on my left side.   it took over 3 months before i could tolerate short bits on my left side.  i still wake up sore if i sleep more than an hour on my left side.  

it took months for me to start feeling normal, as far as my energy went.   the pain lessened, but even as i type this i still hurt.   my knees have not quit hurting.  in october i saw an orthopedist and he sent me for an mri.   they sent me with the films on disk to take to my next appointment.   i decided it would be neat to look at my knee guts, so i popped the disks in my computer and....i am not doctor or nurse, but i have seen enough medical shows, real and not, to know that the black mass i found in my left thigh bone was a tumor.    the next day i grew a pair and called the mri center and asked for the written report on the findings.   when i got the report my heart sunk.  one of the possibilities was  a tumor found in patients with m.s.    i have not had m.s. ruled out, but in my heart i truly feel my meniere's is just that, meniere's and not m.s., even though eventually i will have to have m.s. ruled out.   so good news/bad news.    the tumor was one that is benign.  whew!    and not m.s. related, bigger whew!   but none of the expected damage was found.   i was terrified surgery was in my future.  thank goodness i dodged that bullet.   (later i would not be so lucky)    the conclusion is permanent nerve damage to both knees, but sometimes weakend muscles can cause pain and since i was in bed for so long, and my muscles were still weak the doctor wanted me to go for physical therapy before a final decision of permanent damage was officially documents.

i also, within the first couple of months after the accident, began noticing i had pain that seems to not be appropriate for the activity i had done, or pain that was in a place i did not think the accident affected.   i shrugged it off as just pain from the accident.  did not mention it to any of the doctors because i did not want to sound whiny.    after a couple more months i was about to bring it up to the orthopedist.   my notes in my planner read:  ask doctor about pain.  seems to be like what my friends describe  as their fibromyalgia pain.   just as i was getting ready to ask him about this mystery pain, he mentioned that there is a syndrome like fibromyalgia, that happens to victims of high impact incidents.  one of the things we need to talk about in further detail at my next visit.  

well, that was october.   i ended up with a booger of a yeast infection, then a respiratory virus that lasted for 2 months, then 1, maybe 2 broken toes on my left foot.   the next week i jammed a toe on the other foot, so i was hobbling around in december.   then all hell broke loose again on the first of january.   and that will be the part 2.  

so, i have not yet made it to physical therapy.  

the accident still has had a huge impact on our lives.   to this day i can not crawl in to bed on my knees like i use to.   i have to use a step stool to get in to bed.   getting on my knees for anything is a no-no. and the hubby has back pain and spasms almost daily, sometimes daily.    sex....was not going to bring that up when we went to meet with the lawyers to discuss settlement,  that is private and personal.   well, let me tell you.....this girl likes, no loves, her sex.   we had none for months, and now in the heat of the moment i yell out, the hubby thinks he is bringing it home, he is the man, but no....... my hip, or knee, or ribs are killing me and finally i can get words out to say it hurts we have to move..... and now.   or the same for him.  the back starts to hurt.   or spasms.   i can not imagine the rest of my life having to get my thrills by leaning on the washer during the spin cycle.    the hubby has aged and seems content since the accident with a bowl of cookies, glass of milk and an ncis marathon.   it sucks.  i learned with the meniere's to let go of sadness, and anger.  when i have a bad menieres day i give myself ten minutes to cry or be angry.  but there are days when i am pissed about this accident.    i am pissed that this happened when i thought life was finally coming together.   i am pissed that we are constantly in pain.   i am pissed that my husband has turned in to an old man.   i am pissed that the woman who made a really bad choice probably has not given much thought about us or the accident.  in fact, rumor had it she was taking US to small claims court, probably to get her deductible back.  we never were served, so don't know for sure.  she ran the light.   we had the right of way.  i am pissed that i lost my entire summer because of this.  i am pissed because all the plans i had to do projects outside never got done.   lots of artsy stuff that needed to be done outdoors i was not able to do.    and i let myself be pissed.....and let it go.   10 minute rule.   sometimes it is 2 five minute sessions.  sometimes it is 10 one minute sessions.   then i adjust my big girl panties and go about my day.  

i know His plans are not our plans.   my hope is that we will see the awesome at the end of this very soon.  our family has lived through some hell in the last 4 years.   i am done.   i am tired of feeling like i deserve all of this as some sort of punishment.   i ready for the good.  

so ends part 1.  i know i have left out a ton of stuff i had planned on sharing.   but this is the gist of it.

just when i was had decided to get back to my studio, and blogging....part 2 began.   i will be back with that in the next day or two.